The Big Fat Motorcycle Entry

Vietnam is very fortunate. It can reduce its pollution (including noise) from nigh-lethal to negligible amounts, drastically reduce the number and severity of street accidents, and curtail the slow but inevitable threat of obesity with one change. Trade in your motorbikes for bicycles. Every city should be so lucky. But it's not a change that people want, and that makes me sad.
There is a very particular way that travelers write about motorcycle traffic in Vietnam, adhering to a few metaphors. Try this one: (random blogger). Blogspot barely works in Vietnam, but I can imagine it says something about how the motorcycles are like rivers, that there are no rules but relatively few accidents, some more water metaphores, how the honking is so incessant you barely notice it (though honking is used not in an aggressive or insulting manner). And on my first trip I'd agree with all that. To cross the street, you simply walk slowly and the motorcycles gush around you. My first Motor Taxi was extremely fun, like we were being chased in a spy movie. And liberating too--you can go absolutely anywhere in the city by grabbing one at any corner and pointing to a map.

So now my opinion has slightly worn corners. Here are the street rules for motorcycles, as far as I can tell:
1. Stop at red lights...for thru traffic. You want to make a left into a stampede? Go for it!
--There are streetlights in Ho Chi Minh City, but they are usually off to the side where tourists don't expect them. They have nifty counters that tick off till the next light change. Walk signs are there but pretty pointless, as you'll always have turning bikes from either direction to contend with.
2. Limit per bike is 2 adults 1 kid -- Ho Chi Minh only.
3. Wear a helmet
4. Drive on the Right Side (Haha! "more like guidelines" to quote Terry Pratchett.
5. In Traffic Circles, try to invent new shapes.

Did I miss anything? Don't think so. So now you can imagine your "rivers of motorbikes," with every bike a drop of water. Though now I'd call it "rocks merging into an avalanche." I still concede that Vietnamese have an extremely good spacial awareness compared to Americans (and better tempers), though locals warn me against getting a motorcycle as driving is extremely dangerous. But for the same reasons, so is walking. There is no place where you are not in danger of being run over--not even narrow alleyways or cluttered markets.

My Practice Run!

So, while dangling on the back of a motor taxi, you may find yourself going against a one way street. Sometimes you'll be on the side of the road--more often on the sidewalk, sloloming street venders and pedestrians, but kicked off by bikes coming towards you trying to beat the crowd. One way streets aside, There will be few times when you are not threading a rush of on-coming traffic. With every ride your exhilaration turns to fear as you realize your luck is wearing thin. Your kneecaps are in danger of being frisbeed away every time you squeeze between cars, buses, and signposts. You don't see many accidents, but every Vietnamese carries a scar or a "tattoo" burned from someone's muffler. And everyone expects his/ her time to come when they will be confined to a wheelchair selling lottery tickets.

For 2 million (dong!) I bought a kick ass bicycle. My first impression riding in full rush hour was Holy Crap. I did get kicked around a lot, one time deliberately--the few people on bikes tend to ride at a snails pace in the gutter. You silly silly people. My bike could easily keep up with any motorcycle, especially in traffic. I burned no polluting, expensive petrol. But the reason people buy motorcycles: Bling status. Pollution, cleanliness, health, peace and quiet, safety, practicality, expense be damned.